Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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