She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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