if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
