I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
