I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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