I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
