Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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