Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
