nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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