He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am one with the molecules
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
