apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
