I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
