oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
