Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
