I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
