you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
