i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
