1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
