Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
