This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
