i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
