if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
