I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize