WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
