i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
