I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All the doctor said was why
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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