Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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