my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
