My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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