i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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