So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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