So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
