I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
