The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
