ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
