oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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