a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
