Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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