Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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