Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
