i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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