Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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