At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you traded sex for a burrito?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
