I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
