bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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