I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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