i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
