Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
