Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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