Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
