Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
