I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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