My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
