Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
