So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
