Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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