so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
