Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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