Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
