Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
