I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
