What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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